Why Tom Brady Should Stop Procreating

What do Roger Goodell, Marques Colston, and Erin Andrews have in common? Probably not much, except that I idolize them and want their jobs. Goodell presides over the most popular sports league in America, whose fan base continues to grow thanks in large part to fantasy football and NFL Sunday Ticket. Colston is the number one receiver on a notoriously pass-happy team. And Andrews is living a life that we girls can only dream of (nudie video aside). She gets paid to host the ESPYs, dates David Wright (allegedly), and is revered by men (though equally hated by women) everywhere.

Since I will never get to do any of these things, I have decided to settle for the next best thing: writing a sports blog. There’s no real purpose to this blog, just a forum for me to dish out questionable fantasy advice and vent my frustrations when Michael Turner runs for 65 yards and 0 TD. It also gives me something to do when Time Warner forces me to watch matchups like Minnesota/Cleveland – an unfortunate consequence of living in the Midwest.

On a brighter note, Week 1 of the 2009 NFL season had pretty much everything I had hoped for. There were breakout performances (Ray Rice, Cris Collinsworth), dominating victories fueled by solid quarterbacking (Eagles, Cowboys), and crushing defeats suffered by teams desperate to start the season with a win (Bengals, Bills).

Meanwhile, in the world of fantasy football, Week 1 set the tone in leagues everywhere. Early favorites have emerged, while other fantasy owners are scrambling to see if Mike Bell or Louis Murphy is still available (the answer, by the way, is probably yes, so hurry before it’s too late). More importantly, the first week has taught us important life lessons. I learned not to try and get cute with the first overall draft slot by choosing Burner over the consensus number one pick – especially when AP has clearly been anointed by God himself. But aside from that obvious conclusion, I had three major revelations this weekend, and I feel compelled to share these with the four people who will end up reading this (shout out to my mom and her co-workers!):

Revelation #1: Joining multiple fantasy leagues is like Tom Brady procreating with multiple women.

In theory, it’s one of those “why not?” ideas. Obviously Tom Brady has solid baby-making genes; why shouldn’t he spread the wealth? If anything, having a baby momma who starred as that hot CIA operative in “The Recruit” has probably boosted his street cred. But in reality, having two kids (i.e. two fantasy teams) by two different women (in two different leagues) is a lot of work, and one will inevitably suffer. He’ll end up spending more time with Giselle’s kid (my Yahoo team) and neglect the older son he has with Bridget Moynahan (my ESPN team). And even though he loves them both, he knows deep down inside that he loves his legitimate child more (I’ve got Andre AND Calvin Johnson on my Yahoo team – it gives me butterflies). Next thing you know, he’s so busy with football and his new family that he doesn’t have time to call his older son as often. Similarly, I’ve found myself with less time to check injury reports for my ESPN team and wouldn’t be surprised if I end up forgetting to bench Peyton during his bye week. In retrospect, I wouldn’t have joined the ESPN league if I had known I’d end up joining my brother’s Yahoo league. Do you think Brady would have knocked up Moynahan if he had known that two years later he’d be married to the world’s hottest supermodel?

Revelation #2: Being the only girl in a fantasy league is a no-lose situation.

Consider my Yahoo league. If I win the league (already a definite possibility barring any catastrophic injuries), it propels me into fantasy lore. As a girl, I gain bragging rights that extend well beyond the standard off-season period until the next draft. This is especially true this year since my decision to take a WR with each of my first two picks – a move I still stand behind – was highly criticized.

But even if I don’t win (very likely in my ESPN league if Week 1 is any indication), it’s okay, because I wasn’t supposed to anyway. The real loser is the dude who finishes dead last after me and gets attacked mercilessly with “dude, you couldn’t even beat a girl” insults. I’ve found that when it comes to sports, the double standard occasionally works in my favor.

Revelation #3: Jake Delhomme is really, really bad.

You heard it here first. Tell everyone you know.

LOVE ‘EM OR LEAVE ‘EM

I think it’s important to take a moment and dish out some recognition to a few standout stars that may not get a lot of press elsewhere. DON’T expect obvious choices like “Adrian Peterson is HOT” and “LT is NOT”. DO expect random links to my two favorite sites: ESPN.com and PerezHilton.com.

LOVE ‘EM: here’s who I have a crush on after Week 1….

JOSEPH ADDAI (RB – IND): I participated in three fantasy drafts this year, and in every one of them, Addai sat awkwardly at the top of the draft board for far too long. In one of my leagues, he fell to the 9th round. The pick right before him? Michael Crabtree.

Upside: who would have guessed that in his 2009 fantasy debut, Addai would outperform first round picks Michael Turner, Steven Jackson, and Brandon Jacobs? Yes, the Colts are Peyton’s team, but still – as the lead runner on a perennial winner, Addai is probably underrated.

Downside: I’d compare Addai’s Week 1 performance to a successful blind date. Better than I expected – I probably would have let him get to first base – but I'm not sure there's enough chemistry to warrant a second date (i.e. a start against Miami in Week 2). And did I mention that the Colts are Peyton’s team? Last year, 27 of the team’s 40 touchdowns came through the air. With weapons like Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark, expect more of the same in 2009.

ZACH MILLER (TE – OAK): if you spend as much time as I do perusing the ESPN.com fantasy football page and listening to ESPN radio, you know that Miller has quietly generated some hype over the past few weeks from the likes of Matthew Berry and other fantasy gurus. On Monday night, Miller fulfilled his role as Jamarcus Russell’s favorite target with 96 receiving yards.

Upside: while questions loom about the young tight end’s ability to deliver week-to-week, the next few matchups are favorable. Oakland plays Kansas City and Denver in its next two games – defenses that were ranked 31st and 29th in 2008, respectively.

Downside: by the time you read this, it’ll be too late. I guarantee you he’s already taken in your league. Sorry.

TAYLOR SWIFT (COUNTRY PRINCESS – NASHVILLE, TN): after the incident at the VMAs, girlfriend had to pull herself together and perform on stage. And of course she rocked it. It was the kind of comeback John Elway would be proud of. Oh, and in case you’ve been living under a rock, here’s a link to the video that has changed my life forever.

Upside: 10 million albums sold.

Downside: None.

LEAVE ‘EM: here’s who I’ve decided to break up with…

WILLIE PARKER (RB – PIT): 19 yards? Really, “Fast Willie”??

Upside: no one would accuse Parker of being an explosive back. But at the end of the day, there’s no questioning Pittsburgh’s commitment to the running game…right?

Downside: obviously the Stillers will continue to utilize Rashard Mendenhall and Mewelde Moore quite a bit, but Parker’s biggest competition for fantasy points will probably be Santonio Holmes. The Super Bowl MVP put on a show for the home crowd during Week 1 and has earned his catches.

TERRELL OWENS (WR – BUF): I’m torn about T.O. He pulled in a dismal 46 yards, 0 TD in a heartbreaking loss for the Bills. The only catch worth remembering was a 19-yard grab up the middle during Buffalo’s last drive of the game. On the other hand, I’m obsessed with “The T.O. Show” and very impressed with his game off the field (although an FYI for those of you who watch the show: model Jessica White is now reportedly dating Sean Penn. I’m not making this up – you can Google her.).

Upside: don’t forget that it’s a contract year for T.O. And let’s not also overlook the fact that Season 2 of “The T.O. Show” will undoubtedly feature Owens and Marshawn Lynch picking up women and taking them on double-dates to Applebee’s.

Downside: as seen in Week 1, he’s going to draw a lot of attention from secondaries. He needs Lee Evans to have more of a presence to help keep these defenses honest.

AMBER ROSE (KANYE WEST’S GIRLFRIEND – LA): President Obama thinks your boyfriend is a jackass.

Upside: she’s a bisexual ex-stripper.

Downside: she’s a bisexual ex-stripper.